A friend of mine down the street named Charlie told me about a series of books that are silly, inconsequential, harmless, and fun. Ridiculous, really, but in the best way. She promised I would learn nothing from them, and she was right. It was just what I needed. I quickly caught up to her, and we started reading them together.
Then one Christmas, Charlie died. Her heart stopped in the middle of the night, no explanation, 34 years old, three little boys. Somehow, and nobody knows how, the paramedics were able to bring her back. The doctors gave her a one in fifty chance of any sort of meaningful recovery, but she recovered. You can tell she's not 100%, it was a long time to go without oxygen, but she's damn near 99%. If there were miracles, I'd say it's a miracle. But there aren't, so it's just one of those things.
Charlie's a funny lady. When her kids won't do their chores she tells them, "You boys clean your rooms, or I'll just die," to a chorus of, "Don't SAY that, Mom!"
But it's an odd thing, to die. Most people who do it don't have to think too hard about it afterward, but Charlie thinks about it a lot. It makes her sad and scared, and life feels cruel and pointless because one day it'll just be over again. She doesn't remember very much at all of the six months right before that Christmas. I don't know how brains work, maybe that makes sense to you. So, I told her about a series of books that are silly, inconsequential, harmless, and fun. Ridiculous, really, but in the best way. I promised she would learn nothing from them, and it was just what she needed. We've started reading them together.
Adam. this is a beautiful and wondrous story! Thank you!! I almost feel like it would be a violation of the loveliness of it to ask you, but I will anyway: What is the series of books?
I'd actually just the other day thought "oh weird, no Josh for awhile, hope he's okay." You are such a beautiful writer and knowing your "real" voice, I hear and appreciate the quietness of your voice on the page. Thanks for the reminder that books are for a lot of us the shot of adrenaline that gets the heart pumping again. Much overlap in the reading lists. Good to see you again. Welcome back.
Thank you, Laurie!! Your comment is so kind, and so sensitive to what I wrote! With readers like you to write for, I'll gladly keep coming back here. By the way, I'm currently reading "The Light Eaters: How the Unseen World of Plant Intelligence Offers a New Understanding of Life on Earth," by Zoë Schlanger. (It's great.)
... and just a few days ago I sent my friend a link about that and added it to my list (after Prophet Song & Entangled Life & Underland & Doppelgänger &&& ..........) I wonder if there's a way for people to share snapshots of our stacks...( I tend to prefer seeing book spines vs reading lists)
A link about "The Light Eaters"??? Amazing!!! ... I _love_ your idea of sharing spines -- possibly, in part, from having grown up as a librarian's son in love with library stacks (and, by the way, cataloguing cards)!
I've missed your dispatches and have even double-checked my inbox to make sure I hadn't skipped one by mistake. Thank you for your openness and honesty. I'm glad to see you back, and hope you can find some additional support here from your community of readers.
Thanks, Sue!! I'm moved and honored that you noticed I'd been lagging in posting here! Indeed, the support I'm receiving from readers like you is giving me a big boost.
So good to hear from you, Josh . . . I love your writing. And I appreciate your open hearted description of what's been up lately. You can write about anything content-wise, and in reading it, I feel glad to be in your curious, loving, funny, soulful company. Thanks for sharing your recent reading list, too. (Yes, Claire Keegan's Foster is all the things you said.) And thank you for the "hopeful thing" of writing about what's real.
Much love, Josh. I feel like I’m going through the world with no skin at times. Especially the two wars and Trump seeming to skate free. I feels too much.
Sending much love back to you, Andrea!! And yes, feeling skinless sometimes. The horrors being perpetrated in the world are so ghastly and even unthinkable that it motivates me to get better and back out in the world, if only to register my protest and anger. But also to express all the love I feel!
Thank you, Wend!! It's been tough for me since finishing that book -- I so much miss being inside that world, inside Dickens's language, his brain. I am back in that chair, motivated to thank you for your lovely, supportive comment!
So glad you're back Josh! I had been wondering why no posts for a while and hoping you were OK. It seems understandable that you would have a big emotional letdown after the intense focus of the weight loss program. That's a sudden big hole in your life, and a big readjustment to a stable life in your new body. I'm glad you had the little upswing that enabled you to write, and that you were able to remember you have us, a supportive community of people, most of whom you've never met. Hope the ups get more frequent and consistent. We're out here sending you love.
I feel the love, Margie -- thank you!! Very insightful of you to connect my mood swings with having completed the weight-loss program. I think there may be a connection -- at least, that losing the "protective" bubble of being inside that diet may have exacerbated other factors. Sending love right back atcha!
I'm so sorry to hear of your bout of depression. I've been a fan of yours since seeing your show at the Marsh. Afterwards, I went up to thank you and bought your book, Red Diaper Baby. I read it out loud to my husband on the way home, and we were both in hysterics. Just as you take solace from those books, we take solace, in these difficult times, from your writing. *ETA: and Sara's photos!* Thank you for making the effort, and hope it gets easier.
Thanks so much, Nette!! I'm over the moon that you and your husband so enjoyed "Red Diaper Baby." And yes, aren't Sara's photos amazing?!! I think it _is_ getting easier, though not in a linear way.
Thank you for your kind comment, Kristina!! Yes, I'm in regular contact with my doctor, and I feel hopeful about a possible new therapist. (My previous therapist, a beautiful genius, retired, alas.)
Josh, hang in there, we need you! You've given us so much . Remember 2018 when you helped with the election event in uptown Oakland and we won!! hugs from Polly
Thank you, Polly!! Yes, I remember that election event very well! Thanks for reminding me that we do win our political battles sometimes -- something that feels helpful to keep in mind in these incredibly scary times.
Thanks, Donna!! Yes, you're absolutely right: doing things -- moving forward, even if only incrementally -- feels like sowing seeds of an eventual healing. For any struggles of your own, at any time, I send back to you my support and warm wishes.
Never feel you need to apologize for taking time away from writing or performing. As a lifelong sufferer of depression and anxiety myself, I can empathize. Do what is best for your well-being, for as long as you need to.
P.S. I was in downtown Berkeley today, my first trip across the Bay in months, as I too have been hermitting. If you'd posted this earlier and I'd seen it, I would have loved to come give you a supportive hug. Only if you were up for it, of course! :-)
Josh,
A friend of mine down the street named Charlie told me about a series of books that are silly, inconsequential, harmless, and fun. Ridiculous, really, but in the best way. She promised I would learn nothing from them, and she was right. It was just what I needed. I quickly caught up to her, and we started reading them together.
Then one Christmas, Charlie died. Her heart stopped in the middle of the night, no explanation, 34 years old, three little boys. Somehow, and nobody knows how, the paramedics were able to bring her back. The doctors gave her a one in fifty chance of any sort of meaningful recovery, but she recovered. You can tell she's not 100%, it was a long time to go without oxygen, but she's damn near 99%. If there were miracles, I'd say it's a miracle. But there aren't, so it's just one of those things.
Charlie's a funny lady. When her kids won't do their chores she tells them, "You boys clean your rooms, or I'll just die," to a chorus of, "Don't SAY that, Mom!"
But it's an odd thing, to die. Most people who do it don't have to think too hard about it afterward, but Charlie thinks about it a lot. It makes her sad and scared, and life feels cruel and pointless because one day it'll just be over again. She doesn't remember very much at all of the six months right before that Christmas. I don't know how brains work, maybe that makes sense to you. So, I told her about a series of books that are silly, inconsequential, harmless, and fun. Ridiculous, really, but in the best way. I promised she would learn nothing from them, and it was just what she needed. We've started reading them together.
Adam. this is a beautiful and wondrous story! Thank you!! I almost feel like it would be a violation of the loveliness of it to ask you, but I will anyway: What is the series of books?
I'd actually just the other day thought "oh weird, no Josh for awhile, hope he's okay." You are such a beautiful writer and knowing your "real" voice, I hear and appreciate the quietness of your voice on the page. Thanks for the reminder that books are for a lot of us the shot of adrenaline that gets the heart pumping again. Much overlap in the reading lists. Good to see you again. Welcome back.
Thank you, Laurie!! Your comment is so kind, and so sensitive to what I wrote! With readers like you to write for, I'll gladly keep coming back here. By the way, I'm currently reading "The Light Eaters: How the Unseen World of Plant Intelligence Offers a New Understanding of Life on Earth," by Zoë Schlanger. (It's great.)
... and just a few days ago I sent my friend a link about that and added it to my list (after Prophet Song & Entangled Life & Underland & Doppelgänger &&& ..........) I wonder if there's a way for people to share snapshots of our stacks...( I tend to prefer seeing book spines vs reading lists)
A link about "The Light Eaters"??? Amazing!!! ... I _love_ your idea of sharing spines -- possibly, in part, from having grown up as a librarian's son in love with library stacks (and, by the way, cataloguing cards)!
My local public library raised me.
Thank you for sharing your inside outside Josh. I've really enjoyed your writing and wish you a steady path back.
Thank you, Ian!!
I've missed your dispatches and have even double-checked my inbox to make sure I hadn't skipped one by mistake. Thank you for your openness and honesty. I'm glad to see you back, and hope you can find some additional support here from your community of readers.
Thanks, Sue!! I'm moved and honored that you noticed I'd been lagging in posting here! Indeed, the support I'm receiving from readers like you is giving me a big boost.
So good to hear from you, Josh . . . I love your writing. And I appreciate your open hearted description of what's been up lately. You can write about anything content-wise, and in reading it, I feel glad to be in your curious, loving, funny, soulful company. Thanks for sharing your recent reading list, too. (Yes, Claire Keegan's Foster is all the things you said.) And thank you for the "hopeful thing" of writing about what's real.
Thanks so much, Julie!! I'm thrilled to learn you share my reaction to "Foster" -- I'm still devastated by reading it, in the best way. Be well!!
May an unexpectedly beautiful butterfly emerge from the cocoon!
Oh, bless you, Elly!!
Much love, Josh. I feel like I’m going through the world with no skin at times. Especially the two wars and Trump seeming to skate free. I feels too much.
Sending much love back to you, Andrea!! And yes, feeling skinless sometimes. The horrors being perpetrated in the world are so ghastly and even unthinkable that it motivates me to get better and back out in the world, if only to register my protest and anger. But also to express all the love I feel!
I just finished David Copperfield! So good! Way better than Great Expectations, imho. I am ending my Dickens reading on this high note.
Congratulations on making it to the chair. And writing this. We missed you.
Thank you, Wend!! It's been tough for me since finishing that book -- I so much miss being inside that world, inside Dickens's language, his brain. I am back in that chair, motivated to thank you for your lovely, supportive comment!
So glad you're back Josh! I had been wondering why no posts for a while and hoping you were OK. It seems understandable that you would have a big emotional letdown after the intense focus of the weight loss program. That's a sudden big hole in your life, and a big readjustment to a stable life in your new body. I'm glad you had the little upswing that enabled you to write, and that you were able to remember you have us, a supportive community of people, most of whom you've never met. Hope the ups get more frequent and consistent. We're out here sending you love.
I feel the love, Margie -- thank you!! Very insightful of you to connect my mood swings with having completed the weight-loss program. I think there may be a connection -- at least, that losing the "protective" bubble of being inside that diet may have exacerbated other factors. Sending love right back atcha!
Hang in there, Joshie!
Will do, Joel -- thanks!!
Be as proud of who you are, Josh, as that brown Pelican that Sara took a picture of.
None of us gets to choose our DNA, which predetermines “who we are”.
Hold your head up high.
Some will love you, some like you, others hate you, and others won’t be interested in you at all.
So what?!
I believe that the world would be a less interesting 🧐 place if you were not in it.
Anyway, that’s the opinion of one of your fans. Carry on!
Oh, you are so sweet, Mary -- thank you!! And bless you for noting the gloriousness of that pelican in Sara's beautiful photo!!
I'm so sorry to hear of your bout of depression. I've been a fan of yours since seeing your show at the Marsh. Afterwards, I went up to thank you and bought your book, Red Diaper Baby. I read it out loud to my husband on the way home, and we were both in hysterics. Just as you take solace from those books, we take solace, in these difficult times, from your writing. *ETA: and Sara's photos!* Thank you for making the effort, and hope it gets easier.
Thanks so much, Nette!! I'm over the moon that you and your husband so enjoyed "Red Diaper Baby." And yes, aren't Sara's photos amazing?!! I think it _is_ getting easier, though not in a linear way.
I, too, was reminded I hadn't heard from you in awhile after you recommended something on Substack.
I think that talking about your episode might be therapeutic.
Josh, have you been to a doctor? There are people who can help.
I wish you a full recovery!
Thank you for your kind comment, Kristina!! Yes, I'm in regular contact with my doctor, and I feel hopeful about a possible new therapist. (My previous therapist, a beautiful genius, retired, alas.)
Josh, hang in there, we need you! You've given us so much . Remember 2018 when you helped with the election event in uptown Oakland and we won!! hugs from Polly
Thank you, Polly!! Yes, I remember that election event very well! Thanks for reminding me that we do win our political battles sometimes -- something that feels helpful to keep in mind in these incredibly scary times.
We're all in this together, including our struggles with depression. I've found doing things helps, like writing your notes. Congrats on sharing.
Thanks, Donna!! Yes, you're absolutely right: doing things -- moving forward, even if only incrementally -- feels like sowing seeds of an eventual healing. For any struggles of your own, at any time, I send back to you my support and warm wishes.
Never feel you need to apologize for taking time away from writing or performing. As a lifelong sufferer of depression and anxiety myself, I can empathize. Do what is best for your well-being, for as long as you need to.
P.S. I was in downtown Berkeley today, my first trip across the Bay in months, as I too have been hermitting. If you'd posted this earlier and I'd seen it, I would have loved to come give you a supportive hug. Only if you were up for it, of course! :-)
Oh, Pax, thank you!! At least I did get to hug you relatively recently!! Be well, my friend!!