"Cardiac Cath"

For my very first temp job, in Boston back in the ’80s, the agency sent me to the Cardiac Catheterization ward at Mass General Hospital. The setting was pretty grim (bedridden patients lined the hallway), but I absolutely loved working there. The staff — doctors, nurses, aides — was amazing. Everyone had thick Boston accents, cursed excessively, and loved the local sports teams. My job was to transcribe the oral reports made by the doctors as they observed the pre-surgical catheterizations. The patients themselves rarely looked very cheerful — but given that the catheter had been inserted into their groin, eventually making its way into their heart, that kind of made sense.

When I learned that my assignment in Cardiac Cath was going to end, I decided that I wanted to show the staff how much I appreciated them. So I wrote this song — and during lunchtime on my last day, I got up in the break room and sang it for everyone, accompanying myself on guitar.

Ironically, several years ago I myself was sent for a cardiac catheterization at UCSF. They told me I actually had an option of where they’d insert the catheter: either in my groin or in my wrist. I told them that my wrist would do quite well, but thanks for asking. (I wondered whether anyone preferred the groin.) The nurses and aides, like my old co-workers in Boston, were incredibly bubbly and warm. I was kind of terrified, as an earlier scan had indicated that there might be some clogging in my left anterior descending artery — which my psychiatrist at the time helpfully explained was known as the “widowmaker artery.” So there I was — totally awake, all catheterized, and in the fancy machine that let them see a live video feed of my heart — and the aide working the machine said, “Huh!” I asked him what he meant by “Huh!” and he said, “Oh, you’re okay.” I said, “I don’t need a stent in my widowmaker?” “Nope.” So there was at least one happy, smiling patient who walked out of that Cardiac Cath ward that evening.

And this past February, at the Noe Valley Ministry in San Francisco, I sang my “Cardiac Cath” song, accompanied by the great Joshua Raoul Brody on piano. No catheters were used in the performance.