I've Completed My Liquid Diet!
Um ... now what?
Gastral Weeks:
Beginning Weight (July 14): 230 lbs.
Weight at Start of Week #2: 222
Weight at Start of Week #3: 218.4
Weight at Start of Week #4: 215.3
Weight at Start of Week #5: 215.1
Weight at Start of Week #6: 211.2
Weight at Start of Week #7: 208.1
Weight at Start of Week #8: 204.3
Weight at Start of Week #9: 201.9
Weight at Start of Week #10: 199
Weight at Start of Week #11: 196.8
Weight at Start of Week #12: 194.4
Weight at Start of Week #13: 193.5
Weight at Start of Week #14: 190.2
Weight at Start of Week #15: 185.6
Weight at Start of Week #16: 183.8
Weight at Start of Week #17: 182.3
Weight at Start of Week #18: 179.4
Weight at Start of Week #19: 177.6
Weight at Start of Week #20: 177.2
Weight at Start of Week #21: 173.5
Weight at Start of Week #22: 174.6
Weight at Start of Week #23: 173.7
Weight at Start of Week #24: 172.8
Weight at Start of Week #25: 171.2
Weight at Start of Week #26: 171.7
Weight at Start of Week #27: 170.1
Weight at Start of Week #28: 172.8
Ending Weight (Jan. 25): 172.6 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 57.4 lbs.
It’s over — I’ve finally made it to “After”!
A smidge over six months of shakes and protein bars and unspeakable cup o’ soups. Of logging every single mini-“meal” — six a day. Of making sure to stay super-hydrated, lest I overstrain my liver and kidneys and such. Of scary, suspense-filled weekly weigh-ins, my heart pounding as I tremulously mounted my bathroom scale — but only after completely disrobing. (Those underpants can really weigh you down!) Of attending weekly Zoom meetings with the other dozen-or-so members of my diet-program cohort, along with making occasional posts to our WhatsApp text thread — sometimes writing frantic things like, “Oh God, I gained 0.2 pounds this week! What am I doing WRONG??!” Of receiving incredible support from my family and friends — and from you, Dear Readers, with your kind messages, both in the Comments section and in your emails.
The benefits of this diet have been immense. I feel so much better! At my peak weight, just standing up from sitting could feel like an act of extreme exertion, sometimes causing me to wheeze or feel dizzy. Ascending long flights of stairs threatened to become aspirational. When I was walking to a meeting or a performance, I had to allow myself extra time, so I could periodically stop and catch my breath. Now I’m able to be so much more active! When I go biking-and-birding with Sara, it’s easier for me to keep up with her … not to mention get on and off my bike repeatedly for visits (from a respectful distance) with our avian pals. With some luck, I feel like I now have a better chance to stick around a bit longer, in this world that can be so astonishingly beautiful and filled with love, despite … well, you know all that’s despite.
One thing I didn’t expect: that the last few weeks of the diet would be arguably the most challenging. Our medically supervised weight-loss program was carefully designed to give us a gradual off-ramp back to the world of normal eating. After months of only ingesting our diet “products,” adding up to an ultra-stingy daily total of 960 calories, we began our “un-diet” — transitioning, every two weeks, into eating more and more real food, while also slowly increasing the calories. By the last weeks of the regimen, we were at about 1500 calories a day (still well below the amount I’d theoretically expend to maintain my current weight). At one point we could have fruit again; later, a small amount of sweets. Predictably, my weight loss slowed — but then, the last couple of weeks, it started to creep up again. No biggie, right? Except — as I sometimes shared with my WhatsApp buddies — it could feel like a biggie, auguring more and more gaining to come. Despite my best efforts, I’d sometimes begin to catastrophize: What if all the weight just jumps back onto me? The anxiety fed into a ravenous hunger that started seizing me more and more frequently as the end approached — as if my body knew it was about to be released from Diet Jail and was going mad with the anticipation. It didn’t help that going back to eating small amounts of certain foods — like sweets — reawakened the urge to eat lots more of them, as I’d done in the past. I mean, just one Reese’s Cup? Give me a break!
Before the diet, I’d been at my very highest weight (about 235) on one of my last visits to Chicago to be with my mother, Bunny, who was suffering from Alzheimer’s and congestive heart failure. At night, back in my hotel room after spending the day with her at the Selfhelp Home, I’d pick up a huge bag of Skittles or Peanut M&M’s and wash them down with copious (terrible) hotel coffee. This was in addition to dinner, usually some fast food via delivery service (I wasn’t so much into walking around at that point). It all felt so comforting — so … right, somehow, to fill myself up with empty caloric joy amid my despair. (It occurs to me that it could sound like I’m blaming my mom for my weight problems — to which all I can say is: Are you happy now, Dr. Freud???)
Was that me — the no-limits-to-what-I-eat me (just a slight exacerbation of my normal way of eating) — the real me? Have these past 30-or-so weeks been kind of a temporary vacation away from my fundamental self — a jaunt to Skinnier Island — from which I must inevitably return? I dearly hope not!
To that end, towards the end of my diet I started establishing some new habits that I hope to maintain … basically, for the rest of my life. They’re based on a survey that our cohort’s wonderful facilitator, a registered dietician, told us about — of people who have gone on one or another of these extreme diets, lost a lot of weight, and then have kept that weight off for many years since. Those folks tend to have three behaviors in common: They log everything they eat (frequently, but not always, counting calories); they weigh themselves regularly (usually daily); and they exercise at least an hour a day (yes, a whole hour — gadzooks!). So starting a few weeks ago, I’ve been doing all three of those things.
At the same time, I’ve nudged up my calorie limit to 1700. Which should mean that I continue to lose weight — except no! In recent days, the pounds have been climbing back onto me (about three so far). I’ve handled this well — if by “well” I mean screaming “No no no no no no no!!!” while staring down at my bathroom scale, causing Sara to come running and make sure I’m okay. Or if by “well” I mean basically losing my shit when something minor happens — like when I was reaching for a bag of bell peppers from our crowded fridge and caused a container of cottage cheese to fall out and spill all over the floor.
“I hate myself!” I yelled. “I’m a disgusting person!!”
Sara’s voice called out from the living room: “You’re scaring me!”
Becoming lighter has turned out to be a heavy thing indeed.
During this whole weight-loss adventure, I often daydreamed about the meals I’d indulge in once it was over. Deep-dish pizza. Pasta with meat sauce. Burgers and beer with my friend Scott (I’m not much of a drinker, but I aspire to be — and I always want to impress him). A huge meal at this amazing Korean place my brother Jacob took me to just before I began this diet — one that left me in the most delicious near-coma. That ramen shop that Sara and Guthrie and I love. And I’ve been assured by veterans of this weight-loss regimen that occasional splurges are to be expected and are totally fine, within reason. (As one of the doctors associated with the program put it: “You don’t want to end up as the healthiest cadaver in the graveyard.” Or something like that.) But this week I’ve begun to wonder: How can I really eat, moving forward?
My best guess is that from now on it becomes a practice — one that is highly individualized to my particular metabolism and psychology. And that it will be a matter of continual experimentation, trying different things and finding out what works for me. I plan to keep attending Zoom meetings — only now they will be with people from various cohorts who, like me, have completed the regimen and want to share their ongoing experiences, insights, and fears. I’ll keep in mind a message I’ve repeatedly gotten from my supportive WhatsApp pals: to remember to stay kind to myself, forgiving my inevitable failures and celebrating small victories when they do occur.
It’s a continuing lesson to me: that trying to live a healthy life — physically and spiritually — never stops being a process. So I guess what I’m kind of saying is, it turns out that my diet isn’t actually over. But the first, official part is, and I’m genuinely proud of myself, and it has been such a joy and a privilege to share this experience with you!
Who knew that “After” would turn out to be the new “Before”?
I just remember what Bucky Fuller said after he lost 80 pounds. "It just wasn't me"
The fat wasn't you - the smarts, the love, the humor, and the oboe are you.
Congratulations on finishing "Transition" and moving into "Lifestyle!" I hope to see you in a Zoom meeting when I get to that rank. (Cohort 108 - presente!) I'm almost at my goal, close to 40 lbs lighter. I think what will work is a complete habit reset, focusing on "mindful eating" with some help from a 6 week Zoom workshop through Insight NY. I also weigh every day but can't commit to logging every meal. Disrobing is very important for believing the scale. Every mouthful of normal food tastes WONDERFUL after the program "products." Yes, bell peppers are great and so is broccoli.